Makes Cents

This week, I had a dream I just can’t shake. And after some reflection and real-life intervention, I don't think I want to. It all makes sense.

An Italian fountain with intricate marble gleamed in broad daylight. Water cascaded down three tiers and shot into the air out of five spouts; it basically begged for wishes. However, for some reason, I couldn’t get close enough for my penny to make it in. 

Photo by Alexander Sarukhanov on Unsplash

The first few times, I hurled the coin from fifteen feet away and watched it come up short. After that, a gated metal wall with ugly barbed wire appeared around the fountain. With the distance, I knew I’d need to really throw with strength. Over and over again, I cranked my arm back. And, over and over again, the penny stayed stuck in my hand. It wasn’t a glue or sticky-sap situation. In fact, before I geared up to launch, the penny was loose and free in between my fingers. Only when I tried to throw it, did gravity push the copper back into my palm.

For me, the power of this dream feels palpable. I’ve shared in other pieces, how I met someone special during the pandemic. I mean he checked over 90% of my “hopes for a partner” boxes. His character and the way we connected felt unignorable in goodness. However, seemingly overnight, he shifted in emotional availability.

As I alluded to in Fly, a tidal wave of life smacked him all at once. I tried to be patient and supportive. I thought I could help him. He assured me over and over again that his feelings for me were real and mutual, but I could never quite get back over this invisible wall that appeared out of nowhere. Instead of clarity, his confusion kept sweeping me under the water; I wasn’t able to breathe. 

Therefore, I physically set boundaries and stepped away multiple times. I dated other people and moved forward as much as possible. But the emotional door remained cracked and, despite my best efforts, ambiguity tethered my heart. As a brave birthday gift to myself, I sought answers and stood my ground. The night before the closure letter came, I had this dream of me trying to connect with this closed-off fountain. Wow. The efforts were too great and it wasn’t the right wish. That stubborn penny from my dream had my back. Haha.

I’m not quite to the point where I’m singing Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks, *smile* but the sentiment this season is at play. Thanksgiving seems to be a time where we examine the table set before us. We take inventory of life and people and give gratitude—it’s beautiful. Like Garth, might this also be a time to recognize the reasons behind what’s “missing” and offer appreciation? Even if we don’t completely understand the why, how do we claim the blessing of that empty space?

If it helps, remember my dream and situation. Despite distance, odds and ambiguity, I kept wanting to expend energy and launch fruitless aspirations. Instead, ultimately, I was protected. My penny, aka my strength, remains in my hands. When the time is right, I’ll know when it’s the RIGHT wish.

This Thanksgiving, what wishes have you made that have, or have not, come true?

 Your Brave Tutu (You’re brave, too-too!)

-Take courage in delight. Discover power in small moments.

Note: I also want to hold space for those who might be grieving over the unknown or that missing person or thing. I sit with you in that absence. You are loved. I’m grateful for you. I appreciate you reading my words, buying my book, cheering me on and, also, holding space for me. I set a place for you at my “thanksgiving table” as I write. Although it’s not always easy, I aim to authentically process with the hopes that someone, maybe just one person, might Velcro to my words; feel supported and seen.