Fly — Brave Tutu

Somehow, a little fly got trapped inside my car. He flew in when I stopped to get a breakfast taco on my way to Midland.

“Please fly out little guy,” I coaxed, cracking a smile at my own little joke. Five minutes later, I gave him another chance in a new location as I waited at Sonic for my diet cherry and lime coke. “Okay buddy, both doors are open for you now.”

The windows in my lime green beetle stopped working in 2020, just like everything else. Mr. Buzzy had a choice to make: get out now, or wait a loooong time for the next stop.

#WestTexasDriving

Each time, he bzzzzzzed, fought and tried to “escape” at the window. I opened my door, and he just kept flying to the crack where he “should” have been able to escape. Buzz Buzz flew from window to window, totally missing the wide-open doors that waited for him.

Wow.

Even without a Ph.D. on fly instincts, I could tell that he was expecting the window to eventually open. He banked on it. Ignoring the breeze of the open car blowing past him, he kept missing the opportunity. We both grew more and more frustrated.

It’s so tough to watch someone struggle on the same path despite there being an alternate and obvious route. I have two people in my life who are very unhealthy right now. I pray every single day, multiple times a day, for their recovery.

To the point of exhaustion, like with the fly, I beg, “Please, please, please take the door. Here, I’ll prop it open for you with my foot. Please take it.” Meanwhile, they are dead set on the cemented, impenetrable route.

I feel responsible. “What do I do? Surely I can do something?” I ask myself. Every. Single. Day.

No and wait seem to be the only, futile answers.

But what if they die stuck against the broken window? I just have to pray the fresh air will call to them and they will choose a path of freedom instead of being stuck.

I guess.

I write these words and tears stream down my face. There has to be something I can do? Right? More doors I can open? I ask again. Then, I take a deep breath and surrender it up to a higher power. Again.

With that same release in mind, I’ll share that I met* someone very special during the pandemic. Stop. Don’t get too excited. In fact, it broke my heart a little when he asked for absolute space to sort out life-details sans my support. For now, I can’t encourage him. Nor discover open doors for him. I can only seek mine out.

This realization reminds me how my fervent wish for the health and freedom of others can, sometimes, stop me from exploring wide-open possibilities. I’ve opened hundreds of doors, waited, made battle plans, cheered, begged and waited some more. In this holding pattern, I can stop attending to my own needs, because I’m ultimately trapped right in the car with them.

Some of us are watching the fly; trying to help them. Others of us are the fly, clinging to our old habits. Often, I think we can be both.

Where are you in this scenario? Are you so focused on someone else, that you are missing out on fresh, restorative air? This seems poignant with the pandemic. Our usual routes were closed. Many of us carved out creative paths to face uncontrollably shut windows. Some days, all we could do was sit and stare outside from the passenger's seat.

Now, doors are opening, where are you meant to fly?

Your Brave Tutu (You’re brave, too-too!)

-Take courage in delight. Discover power in small moments.

Bonus: If you liked this piece and reminders of forward motion, you might also enjoy Stuck, also starring my green WV beetle.

*We met through our mutual friend, Bumble. *smile* Because I know you’re curious. And, update, we are no longer together and my “Application to Date Me” is open for applicants or nominations. :)