Open Cupboards — Brave Tutu

I recently combed through old posts and I found a childhood story, a moment in time, that I wanted to sit with and examine.

MISSION: Find and eat the sugar cubes! As kids, we spent HOURS playing church hide and seek. We felt like finding sugar cubes was a simple extension of the game. Parish halls = coffee. Coffee = sugar. Simple math.

When we were really young, sugar cubes were still a thing and our dad was a visiting minister. We had many new territories to explore. We tested unlocked doors, snuck into nurseries and scoured cupboards. The entire campus was our playground.

The adults had their meetings in the only “off limits” play spots. Now that I think about it, they probably had unlimited sugar cubes on their meeting tables. Nevertheless, our mission was important: to find the surplus, forgotten sugar. I can’t remember if I thought our hunts were wrong or right. I just remember the drive of it all. Along with my twin Rachel, and big brother Joshua, we were a team. United. It took effort to find the sweetness, which we knew had to be there.

I’ve sat down to work on this piece over and over again. I stare into this screen and think about George Floyd begging for his last breath. I think of Austinite Mike Ramos, who was unarmed and shot. I think of the injustice they faced, along with Breonna Taylor and Tamir Rice, all at the hands of people who are supposed to protect. I think of Trayvon Martin, a boy targeted as he carried skittles and lost his life to a man acquitted of murder. My fingers on the keys feel numb and futile and don’t know where to begin. Racial inequity is unignorable. But everything I write misses the mark and doesn’t seem appropriate. My drafts include inadequate, sweeping statements and don’t work for a world experiencing grief; my words fall short.

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

In writing desperation, I remembered a childhood sugar craving when I chose sufficiency and not satisfaction and settled for a shaker instead. I tilted my head backward, shook… and SALT, not sweetness, poured directly down my throat. Forced sugar in mind, I worry about publishing a piece that could push distaste down throats. If that happens, I apologize. But I won’t apologize for trying. Brave Tutu has never claimed to be a political podium and I have no intention of shifting. I am baffled how facing and owning up to systemic racism, and wanting to end it, could even be politicized. Saying 'Black Lives Matter' doesn't mean all lives don't matter, but the truth of lives lost due to racial heartbreak cannot be ignored and I won’t be silent. They are BIG deals. I wrestle with our Brave Tutu mission to take courage in delight and discover power in small moments. Thankfully, commenters mention that Brave Tutu is more than “rainbows and glitter.”

Silence would directly violate core beliefs of Brave Tutu. For me, it has come to finding those “sugar cubes”: I’m testing doors. Seeing if they are locked. Seeing if anyone knows how to get in. What cupboards of conversations and communities hold the answers for sweetness. In a lot of ways, I’m testing myself, wanting to find and eradicate any unexamined racism within me. As a white female, I am nervous; I can feel paralyzed by fear of saying the wrong thing from a naive pulpit of privilege. I’ve told myself: I’ll just be a listener. Then I kept replaying a Black friend’s words— “What’s most hurtful is the silence. The times when people are losing their lives and I see my friends, who claim they care, saying nothing.” I’ve struggled to find the “right” words, and I’m still anxious about my shortcomings.

Anxious or not, I want to stand with those hurting. I confess ignorance, but do not excuse it. I seek knowledge and understanding. I have to remind myself of coffee/sugar math. Where there are people there is goodness and, of course, potential for salt.

I’ve gotten into conversations that poured salt down my throat; heard people deny passive racism while I have friends of color sharing the opposite. I know my well-meaning “sugar” in this piece could translate to salt for someone else. I step forward and try to own the awkward and more than anything, I am trying to speak up when it is appropriate. Most of all I am listening, reading, and focusing on the voices of experience* and donating** to causes I believe in. I recommend following BIPOC voices and listening regularly to what they have to say. For starters, I appreciate Nicole Walters, Latasha Morrison and The Woke Coach.

Like with the cubes, I don’t know if I’m doing things right or wrong, but I’m not going to sit stagnant. Brave Tutu doesn’t claim all is well and perfect. It does claim powerful significance in the small and encourages others to pull up a bench to the conversation. I’m asking for this from you.

How have you journeyed, opened up cupboards and searched recently? What have you found? Please share this article along with other dialogues, or sugar cubes, that could cultivate helpful conversation. Trust me, I know this can take courage. But…

Remember,

Your Brave Tutu (You’re Brave Too-Too)

*I have read Citizen: An American Lyric by Claudia Rankine. I’m reading Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You by Jason Reynolds and Ibram X. Kendi and Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People by Mahzarin R. Banaji and Anthony G. Greenwald. White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo is next on my list. Recently, I’ve watched 13th and Just Mercy (also a book) and I recommend all of the above. I don’t offer this as an example of a comprehensive resource list, but a place I started and maybe a place for you to begin, if you are looking to start too. There are plenty of resource lists*** out there and are plenty of places that can use funding. Personally I’ve chosen to support the D.R.E.A.M, The Loveland Foundation, Black Lives Matter and the Austin Justice Coalition.

***Other resources:

Lesson Plan on Being an Ally

How to Safely Support Black Lives Matter Online

List of Resources to Educate Yourself

How To Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

List of Documentaries to Watch

Mental Health Issues Facing the Black Community

A new article with links to more than 150 Black-owned businesses.

Support and Understand Black Lives Matter

Honoring Black leaders in the telecom industry

Two quotes that resonate with me:

“If you’re White, if you come from the majority culture, you’ll need to bend low in a posture of humility. You may need to talk less and listen more, opening your heart to the voices of your non-White brothers and sisters. You’ll need to open your mind and study the hard truths of history without trying to explain them away. You’ll need to examine your own life and the lives of your ancestors so you can see whether you’ve participated in, perpetuated, or benefited from systems of racism.” —Latasha Morrison from Be the Bridge: Pursuing God’s Heart for Racial Reconciliation

“I was responsible for my every thought and action, yes; but I was also responsible for the thoughts and actions of the world. To change the world, I needed to change myself.” – Arun Gandhi & Bethany Hegedus, from Be the Change: A Grandfather Gandhi Story