Exes and COVID
The first social distance weekend of March, I got a call, not a text, from someone I dated in 2018. We weren’t serious, but we had a connection. He asked if he could take me out after all this was over. A couple weeks later editor and friend Alvina Ling tweeted:
I'm curious... Retweet if you've been contacted by an ex during this pandemic. Heart if you've been the one to reach out to an ex. And both if both! Ex-friends/estranged family members count, too. #pandemiclife
I retweeted and I had to go back and like it.
I’ve found myself thinking of exes and people that I dated long ago. How are they? What does their life look like now? Not just during the pandemic, but in general.
Photo by jonathan leonardo on Unsplash
Out of college, I worked for Carnival Cruise Line. I had a few ship romances. One almost led to marriage. Others lasted weeks to months. FYI, a week on the ships equals at least a month on land. This isn’t an exaggeration; at sea we are always together and time measures differently.
Photo by Willian Justen de Vasconcellos on Unsplash
One person, we’ll call Landon, was funny, warm and a tiny bit broken. He was getting over something and I was too. We were friends first and feelings grew as we swam through the caves featured in Pirates of the Caribbean, snorkeled with stingrays, laughed and lounged on beaches. One evening felt cinematic. The tide came in white, crashing below the historic forts of San Juan, Puerto Rico. As the wind whipped at our faces, we shared kisses and secrets. Landon mattered to me. When he signed off the ship, I never heard from him again. Until last week.
Wednesday, I heard his laugh and traced fingers through his soft, uncombed hair. All in a dream. I woke up so eager to know about his life now. It was a strange ache. A longing for someone that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in a decade. If I’m honest, I’ll admit years and years have passed without a single thought of him. All of a sudden, on a very subconscious level, my dreams pushed the need to know if he was okay.
Saturday, I searched my phone and found two Landons. I sent out a vague text to the one without a last name. That same day, he called me. Turns out Landon has a wife of ten years and toddler daughter. They live in a cozy house, surrounded by woods and both still have their jobs. “In a way, we are better than ever,“ he told me. “We get to spend a lot more time together.”
Did I feel better or worse after getting off the phone? It’s an unclear feeling. Truthfully, I felt a slight glow in my heart; happy for him and his family. And, equally truthfully, a part of me felt a little fragile. Especially as I reflect on a certain part of our conversation, when he asked the expected question— “What about you, are you married?”
I took a deep breath, hopefully one he couldn’t hear. “I’ve come close. But it wasn’t right.” I explained, “I’d rather be alone than lonely with the wrong person.” In sincerity, I shared how I love my life and I hope to add a partnership with the right person at the right time.
“I’m happy for you,” I said and hung up the phone with a smile. I meant it. I am happy. But, somehow, a sadness seeped in.
I counteracted and reminded myself of dear friends and family, daily I love yous and my first book* coming out. But, man oh man, this COVID-19 business isn’t for sissies.
I can’t
dodge tears as I hear about people dying without family by their sides.
remember the last time I had a hug.
deny that I’m physically alone.
There is nothing easy about this season. Most of us are not “thriving” but some are and, well, hats off. Meanwhile, daily, I eat popcorn, take walks and bubble-bath with spoonfuls of peanut butter. What’s your superpower?
Meanwhile, something in the air creates a curiosity for past loves so we take involuntary inventories.
Why?
Just because people are out of our lives doesn’t mean they are out of concern. But what is it about this pandemic that cracks opened closed heart-doors? How have your reconnections felt? Who do you want to tell “hey, I care” but it might not be appropriate? I’m listening and I’ve got time.
Remember,
Your Brave Tutu (You’re brave, too-too!)
-Take courage in delight. Discover power in small moments.
*My first book is available for pre-order!
Alexandra and the Awful, Awkward, No Fun, Truly Bad Dates: Picture Book Parody for Adults